I am new here. I just did a bunch of quizes showing that my sanity score is 148. Not a good score to have obviously.

Last Friday, I had an severe episode of anxiety, panic, and paranoia at work. I am embarassed beyond belief. I worked very hard to get this job, and now I feel like I am losing my composure and maybe this job. I am stressed at work. It is so busy, the work is so complex, and I feel stupid because I don't know everything. The people I work with have been there for decades and one of them gets snarly at me when I can't remember something that in the 7 months I've been there I only used the info maybe 2 or 3 times. She treats me like an incompetent. However, other than that this is a great job that I had always wanted. But now I am getting depressed, full of anxiety, and I feel hopeless.

This morning, as a result of the clonazepram that I took in high quantities last night, I accidentally slept in right past my alarm. I had to take it because my anxiety is through the roof. My brain is shutting down on me. So I slept in and woke up an hour after my shift started and I couldn't believe it. My co-worker is completely disgusted with me and I feel like I have let my team down which I did.

So later in the day, my boss called me into his office to talk to me. He basically told me that this job is all about stress and there are high workloads all over the company. My anxiety and stress have raised to where I am forgetting things I already know, I live in fear of my co-workers labelling me incompetent, and I live in fear of losing the job I worked so hard to get. I am a mess.

I have been living with so many problems that will not go away no matter what I do. I can't stay in the present moment, I live in paranoia that people think I'm stupid, I feel like i am stupid because this job is so hard and i have to juggle a million things plus work with the public at the front counter. I don't know what to do.

I went to see a counselor a couple of months back, but I felt it drudged up some stuff that triggered my depression so I didn't go back. I am getting worse depressed and have no joy in life. If I lose this job, I have no idea what I will do. This is it. I had no other aspirations for work. I just wish I could disappear. I don't see anything good in the world right now. I feel empty and powerless, and I cannot stop thinking about horrible experiences. I can't even focus on my job, so I make a lot of dumb mistakes. Where I once was confident, I no longer have any.

Now lately, I've started having stomach trouble so I've eaten way less. I turned to vitamins which caused my stomach to bleed so I had to stop. Endless worrying about the future is the theme of everyday. I fear being broke again.

I also have ADD/narcolepsy and have been feeling paranoid lately from the medication. When I don't take it, I am so tired all day I constantly start falling asleep at my desk. I don't know what to do. Maybe I am in the wrong job. But changing jobs is not an option for me. God my life is hopeless. I try to eat better then I get sick from something I eat and it makes me depressed. Or if I quit medication, I can hardly stay awake then I get paranoid.

I keep obsessing about bad things from my past that were traumatic experiences for me...they come back to me all the time and I can't make them stop.

My boss set me aside today to talk and said he is very concerned about me and that I am becoming more and more erratic. He is giving me chances and says my co-worker is getting frustrated. I should have been there this morning but I didn't even hear my alarm that's how out of it I was. He is going to move me to a different location within our company. This is a change that I am worried about. I feel like I am on my way out. Nothing is going right for me, and I am a mess. I keep forgetting everything, I'm like a scatterbrain right now. I go to my doctor but he doesn't seem to have anything for me to help. SSRI's have made me feel suicidal so I can't take them. I am so scared that I am going to lose my job. He even said he talked to Human Resources about me which is an absolutely terrible thing for my job prospects. He asked me if I feel like i am in over my head, and I said yeah I do, it is too busy for me without help since we are short staffed.

I really need help but I have no idea where to start, though I did make another appointment with a counselor. Though that tends to make me feel even worse than I already do. I have so many issues that no ones even had a clue how to deal with. I am just beside myself with depression, sadness, and fear. Not to mention being social phobic. My life sucks and everything is painful. I just want to sleep the rest of my life away...