I've been completely stressed out for the past couple of days and as the night progresses, I feel like I'm slowly sinking into a dark place. I don't know what to do. I just want to cry over the littlest things. I've been dreaming about my brother who passed away in a car crash 4 years ago and was talking to a friend earlier about my mother who ODed 3 years ago. Both have been on my mind a lot recently. Probably because my mom's birthday was on the 19th. If I ever forget - Facebook is right there to remind me. Today is Rebecca's birthday. No ****. Thanks. My fiance has switched shifts so that he will now be coming home as I'm going into work. I'm getting more and more suspicious of him. He lies about stupid little things (going to the bar vs. going out for dinner and few drinks with friends or not telling me until he's there because he "knows I would say no"/calling off of work vs. claiming they called and told him they didn't need him) and it's getting to the point where I question everything he says. He never used to lie about anything. I feel like he's doing it because I nag too much. The bar isn't my scene. I don't enjoy drunk, rambunctious strangers. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to not go out every Friday and Saturday. Especially if he's going to not going into work more and more often. We live with his parents, I want our own place. It's like he believes we can't afford it right now so he doesn't even want to try. I feel completely insane and guilty when I complain about him going out. I'm not good with crowds of people, especially if I don't know them, but I don't feel like he should be penalized for it. I try not to nag, but I feel like I'm on his case about it more and more. A couple weeks ago he agreed to only go out once every 2 weeks. This past weekend he went out both nights. I feel horrible giving him **** about calling out of work because I only work part time right now and he's full time, but at the same time, I really want to get out of this place. I'm trying so hard to stay away from pot so that I can pass a drug test and get a better job. It's been 3 months since I've touched anything other than alcohol, but my pdoc said that it can show up even after that and I don't want to blow my chances by taking the test too early. Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to get high and forget everything and everyone. I'm kinda glad he'll be home from work soon because he won't let me get into anything. If he wasn't, I'm not sure I could restrain myself.