I like this guy. The reason I don't want to is because I've basically pushed aside the idea of a relationship, and it's because my relationships have been dysfunctional--both (yes, I've had two in my adult life) ended in me being hospitalized because I overdosed. That was a while ago. My last relationship was 6 years ago. I've dated here and there, but nothing has stuck probably because I'm closed off and because they just aren't interested. The other reason I don't want to have a crush is because it seems that every time I am totally smitten with a man, he is not interested in me. It never fails: I get butterflies. I think about him. I can't stop thinking about him. I get optimistic, I feel encouraged (by something he put forth), and then *BAM* he has a girlfriend or he actually tells me he's not interested. So I decided to put dating out of my mind to focus on a career and some other goals that don't involve dating, marriage, a family.

Ugh, but this guy... if there were still a single man my age left in my conservative town who was a match for my liberal, quirky sensibilities, he'd be it. And he's so nerdy cute. My favorite.

He's my stylist. As in he cuts my hair (yes, I'm 100% sure he's straight). I've actually only met him 3 times. I was smitten after the first time but figured it was just the stupid head massage they all give you, and the way they all compliment you to keep you coming back. But after this last time, we seem to have clicked--we actually have some pretty interesting things in common. And he is a musician, and had a record release that particular week. He invited me to it (I couldn't go), so he wrote down some links for his music for me to check out. I checked out the link to his album, and was floored when I read what the album was about. I don't really want to say what it was about here (It's not my story to tell, and I don't want the slight chance of anyone recognizing the story either) but I will say that it was an incredibly similar (traumatic) experience to one that I have had, and some of the music had me in tears. I emailed him and told him how the music and lyrics affected me, he replied (it was a good reply)... and that was that. Which is fine, because I didn't take it further. Should I have? I don't know. I didn't feel that there was much else to say. The sad thing is that I have plenty more to say--I want to know so much more about him. Far more than I can get to know in an hour every 8 weeks. But I don't feel that I can ask him out (absolutely not), and I don't know if he'll ask me out.

I don't actually know if I have a question, here. I have just been trying really hard to push this away and out of my mind, because I don't want it to go the same way it always seems to go, you know? And I feel like I'm beating myself up because I allowed myself to have feelings for someone I keep thinking "How could he like you? He's so much cooler than you are." (he kind of is) and "People didn't like you before, and you're so much fatter now. How will they like you now?" (I gained 60lbs in the last two years ) The negative talk is just so bad. I'm trying to stop it, but it's just there. And that's another problem: even if he happened to be interested in me, how could I get to know this guy, someone who has been through similar experiences to me, with this stuff swimming around in my mind? That isn't fair to him.

Anyway. I needed to get that out of my head. It's been making me a little batty.