This all just happened last thursday afternoon. I don't plan on doing anything overboard to get a good-bye.

my old therapist called me on friday, because I was trying to understand her reasoning. and a little later I left her a message to let her know i had made an appointment with one those she referred me to. then i called once and left a message when i was in emotional agony to let her know and to ask her to at least ponder about a closure session and assure her I was not trying to resume regular sessions.

part of me wants to keep calling and even wants to go down and visit her at her office....i literally have to pass by her office most of the time....it is right off the main interstate where everyone in the city passes...so i'm bound to pass. i'd really have to go out of my way to avoid this route, believe me. (i'm only human and I'm in agony.....i know this feeling all TOO WELL).

....but my more logical self says to try to do this right. work with my new therapist. and I will NOT hound her or pressure her, much less (shudders) stalk or harass her.

i will likely send her the letter I am working on, after my new therapist has a look over it and gives me her opinion. and if she still says no or if she says nothing at all, and just wants to mull it over and eventually down the line.....then that is her perogative.

i need to try. it is who i am. and I cannot stop being me. i am an intense and passionate person, emotionally speaking.

i guess to understand this entire thing, you'd have to know me and my therapist. either the solidly consistent relationship and behavior my therapist exhibited was the best "act" ever in the history of the world and people have the ability to have a complete change in personality overnight....or my therapist does still care.

my hope that she does still care is probably a foolish hope. I have never been much of an optimistic and hopeful person EVER.

i tell myself, actually literally yell at myself ,ALL THE TIME, things like: "Damn, you are a **%&!in' idiot if you keep allowing HOPE to enter your life. Never hope!!!"

And I stand by that in most cases. but for some reason, I allowing myself to hope she still cares.