It seems like every thing that should raise my self-esteem does the opposite effect. Sports, work, studies, social relations - i fail every thing. If i try to do something productive for my self-esteem - i fail and my self-hatred intensifies. I have very little progress with my sports training and i always compare myself to other males, which results in extreme self-loathing and thinking that im genetic failure and much more weaker than average male. I try to search for new job and realize that im worthless in job market and with my empty resume i wont find anything worthwhile ever, and i stuck in my dead-end stupid office job forever. I struggle so hard to write my diploma, which looks more stupid with each page i write - its all so boring and dumb despite the interesting topic i chose and i think i will not be able to finish it in time, i have to write 45 pages in 1 months and 2 weeks, it feels like impossible task and i hate myself for being so useless in study field. Girls, with whom i try to build social relations, keep rejecting me over and over again, i hate myself more after each rejection. If i choose to not doing anything at all and lying in procrastination - my self-hatred intensifies because i feel like i should do something.
Also, i have huge problem with memories that always haunting my mind about dozens of my failures that remind me what a trash person i am. Almost everyday i see things that work like triggers for memories of my former best-friend, who stole my ex-girlfriend. I dont think that memory of that event will ever stop affecting my self-esteem.
So, am i doomed to hate myself for the rest of my life? I dont want to, but it feels like it.