((MP35)), I am sorry you are challenged with this, I can understand why it upsets you and I don't think you are being irrational about it either. You love your wife, the intimacy you share with her is important to you. It is reasonable that having someone around that she was intimate with in her past would be uncomfortable, especially given this other guy is a dirt bag, it can be confusing to think your wife would ever consider being intimate with someone like that and would give him hugs and "I love you's" at gatherings. She says she did not "love" him way back when, says it did not mean anything, and here she is embracing him with those words in the present, so in a way she is still pursuing him in some way. That is hard for a person whom "love and sex" are what comes together the way you see it and that she could have sex without that kind of sacred bond and in a way still has no problem talking about it that way. I think that can be taken that to her "sex" is not connected to "love" even now. Then she goes on to say that "she was the one who took advantage and this guy was younger". Again, was she not the one who offered "him" a place to stay at her home? Again expecting this not to "bother" you?

She does not see this as a threat because "she" had iniciated it in the past and was "in control". She also doesn't have a problem being around this guy because "still" she is in "control". She is not seeing this guy checking her out either because she always had the "control". I think what bothers you about this relationship is that what you see now is that this guy would be willing "if" your wife again wanted to have it take place. So, this is not really about trusting this guy, but "trusting your wife". And because she is not being intimate with you right now, it is proving that she is and always has been the one "in control". And how you feel about this is you are seeing her in a different light where what is important "to her" is what rules in her relationships. She is not really thinking about "how others feel" but more about how "she" feels. So, what she is not doing with you is "empathizing" about how "you feel" and in a relationship, that is important.

The ability to "empathize" with one's partner is recognizing how "both are equal" instead of one partner taking the power over. Yes, if having this guy around is something that makes you uncomfortable, then your wife should "respect" that, however, instead she goes with what "she" feels comfortable with and expects you to accept that.

I think that her not being intimate with you means she feels you are judging her about what happened long ago. It forces her to question herself in a way she doesn't like. She could be doubting your love for her based on something in her past that happened before you that she cannot change. She is not understanding that it is her actions in the now that is upsetting you by insisting on embracing this person the way she has. She can't "control" that so she doesn't like it.

This is a deep misunderstanding of personal boundaries and respect for those boundaries where "both" partners make decisions based on how their significant other may be uncomfortable.