Quote:
Originally Posted by likewater
The cousin should definitely not be part of your marriage. Also, to be devil's advocate here, the way women are wired is they want sex when they feel safe, sexy, wanted, loved, cherished and valued. That doesn't sound like the situation right now. To complicate things more, you mention past trauma in your wife's life/family. That can also lead to some MAJOR intimacy issues and make sex very complicated when it's a complicated subject already! It sounds like you both could benefit from I statements so you fight fair. Maybe you can communicate with love rather than battling and trying to win or be right. So the way it works is you say , "when you do or say BLANK feel BLANK because BLANK." Also, give each other one sincere, genuine compliment each day. That works wonders. In my opinion, continue with the counseling together if you value your marriage and you may also both benefit from individual counseling as well. The cousin needs to give you two space to work on your marriage and should not live with you.
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Thank you. I agree that she needs to feel safe and deserves to. I just get confused since we have been married for 16 years as to how she would feel unsafe with me. As far as I know I have never given her reason not to and even when we are fighting or upset we have always maintained a healthy sex life. I am just really confused and hurt by this. I don't know if that makes me a bad person because I place so much value on our intimate relationship. My wife likes to tell me it is unhealthy. Maybe it is, I don't know. I do value our marriage. I don't want it to end. It just feels like I am the only one putting in the effort. Cleaning the kitchen to take some load off of her. Baking her a cake that she has really been wanting. Taking the 2 year old when I get home because he is a monster (a super cute monster) and she needs some relief. She does say thank you for these things. I guess that is good. I will try to make sure I compliment her at least once a day. Thank you for that. We are also practicing "when you do or say BLANK feel BLANK because BLANK."
Thank you.