Thank you for the responses. I appreciate the heartfelt concern.

I met with one of the pastors this morning. I just needed someone to cry with a bit. I think too, I needed to say everything out loud to assure myself that this is really happening.

I agree that I need "real" counseling. While I appreciate my church staff - I'd rather commit to some longer term professional care on this one. I made an appointment for next week.

He called me this evening and I answered. We talked and cried for another hour or so and we were able to flesh out a few more things. I was able to ask more questions. This is not about him having sex as much as it is about him totally lying to me and deceiving me (and himself) about the state of his emotional/psychological health.

This is absolutely a deeper issue for him - as many of you mentioned. And this is something that we each need to deal with as independent people. I know that I need to process this with myself (and my counselor and trusted friends) before I even BEGIN to think about the future.

He has been tested and declared clean. I have a doctor's appnt on Monday and hope to say the same for myself.

I hate this. I hurt. I never could have imagined this would happen to someone I know let alone me. He's put me in hell. But I will survive.

Thank you. This forum has been a sort of lifeline for me. I appreciate your words.