Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. That sounds more formal than I meant it I am just emotionally drained. Truly I'd reach out and hug you if I could but then I'd probably cry and I need to try and get some sleep I hope your daughter doesn't struggle. She is very lucky to have you as her mother and I hope you know I am not just saying that.

I have had therapists but never consistent therapy partially because I although I seem to hold on to everything I can't seem to commit to anything. Which makes zero sense. The other very large problem is I live in a very small area. The mental health facility, the public school system, public works, jails...it is basically the same story with all of them. And its one of those stories you don't want to tell because it's so depressing. I imagine we aren't the only small town in America slipping through the cracks. We don't have great resources because we are not terribly profitable. I have been sitting here trying to think of a way to describe our mental healthcare center and I can only think to describe it as criminal. Not only is it the only option for someone in a dire financial situation, it's almost the only option and certainly the first place that is suggested. One of the main problems in my mind is that it's lumped together as "mental health, intellectual disability, and substance abuse services." That means people are sent there as a means of punishment, people are there with schizophrenia, addictions, eating disorders, family issues..but everyone goes in the same slot. They absolutely would not treat me with a controlled substance because I admitted having a history of self medicating. They are used to treating addicts more often than not. I understand their responsibility but no one would listen to me at all. I didn't and don't want any substances as all, but I need them until someone can come up with something else. These doctors are grandfathered in. They wouldn't know an auditory symptom if it smacked them in their faces. They occasionally get a new therapist. But you get the same meds doc. The lady who stared down her nose at me and told me if I'm worried about becoming overweight I should probably stop stuffing my face with the candy on her desk. That is not a funny joke to make to someone who feels desperate and has come to you for help. She would send me off with a prescription to Buspar or something and when we'd exhausted tons of different options she just asked me where I would like to go from there. She thought I wasn't getting better because I wasn't trying. That wasn't it. I don't have it in me to try some days. I should move, I've tried. It's hard to take on big life changes and this place sucks people in.

It's so late and I'm not sure I'm making sense. And I'm venting to a basic stranger but you were so nice and so few people are. I wasn't sure I was clear in my initial post but you seem very aware of these struggles and that in and of itself gives me a lot of hope. I wish you didn't and/or hope you don't know about them on a personal level. And if you seem to find yourself in a particularly rough patch I hope you'll think of how you made my day today just by being selfless.