Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluegrey
Sorry it's been a while since I posted - I've been away for a couple of days with little access to the internet.
Werewoman, I'd like to ask about how you differentiate your small/irrational self from the rest of you? Is it a 'person' you're aware of, or do you think something, realise it's an emotional reaction and then try and apply logic? I suppose what I'm actually asking is whether you are conscious of the small self as a person separate from yourself, and if so for how much of the time - is she always there? Or is it a sort of shorthand for a way of thinking about your emotional side as opposed to your logical one? You mentioned that she berated the adult you for not doing enough to protect her sometimes. Sorry if this doesn't make sense as a question, I'm finding it surprisingly hard to formulate...
I'm rather confused as to how I fit together at the moment, especially as it seems quite possible for me to have a strong emotional reaction to something and the next minute not be feeling anything in particular.
I had a weird experience on Saturday - I was in the wheelchair-accessible lavatory at a service station and someone somehow managed to unlock the door - I screeched at her really loudly, 'Close that door, close that door right now' and kept on till she did. I haven't screeched like that for years, if ever, it sounded really loud and angry. My husband was outside, and I heard his voice so just got myself sorted out and when I went out he said she wanted him to pass on her apologies. He'd arrived as she was opening the door. You'd think I would be really upset by all this (especially given I'm still processing an episode of csa) and my husband was really worried, asking me if I wanted just to go straight back to the car instead of having the coffee we'd planned. But I wasn't. I didn't feel shocked, upset, worried or anything. Apart from the fact I remembered it happening, it was as if nothing had happened at all, it had had no emotional effect on me. My husband thought I'd gone back to the cold, hard, dissociated state I'd mentioned at the beginning of this post, and that does sound quite likely.
It seems like I can be the small child needing the comfort of a teddy bear, or the hard, uncaring, coping person, or the vulnerable child who was assaulted, or what I think of as the 'normal' me, adult, logical and caring. And I can become any of them more or less at any moment...
If anyone else has anything useful to say, please do. And thank you all so much (so much) for your support. It makes me feel safer.
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Bluegrey,
The Little Me is a separate part of me, though not in a DID kind of way. She's the child that endured the bad times. Early in my therapy, I realized that if I was ever going to heal, I had to acknowledge and validate her. She is the personification of my pain and rage. She brings out the same 'she-bear' protective instincts in me as the 'real' people in my life. If anyone I love is being hurt (including Little Me) I have a tendency to maul first and ask questions later. I can't bear the thought of my loved ones having to survive what I have and Little Me is reacting the only way she knows how when she gets scared. She's still stuck in the past and can't escape. She doesn't have the skills that I do as an adult or the ability to rationalize. She wants what she wants when she wants it, just like any real child. She lacks the logic and wisdom to understand what happened and so for her, the terror never ends. That's why I had to create a safe place for her and protect her no matter what.
So I guess the answer to your question is yes, I am always conscious of the Little Me as a separate person and she's always there. She has a special place in my heart and soul where she is as real to me as my children.
Because she is still stuck in the past, she doesn't understand that as an adult, sometimes I have to do things that remind her of her experiences, and that's when I can hear her in the back of my head berating me because she's just a scared little kid who lives in constant fear that the bad things will happen again.
I hopes this helps. It's difficult to explain, and it took me several months if not a year or more to understand who she was and why she was there. Then I had to learn how to give her what she needs - namely ensuring her safety at any cost.
WW