Quote:
Originally Posted by melania
The problem is benzos withdrawal.. It's not really horrible but caused imsomnia and high anxiety (but I think anxiety is because of fears of pregnancy).
I don't want to do experiments with meds during pregnancy, it can help but it can make everything worse. It seems that my baby is the reason for my life, he is part of me and my t who I love so much, maybe I would be completely crushed if I didn't have my baby, I love my baby more then everything in this world.
Do you think I have to tell my T that he will be father? As I said he is married and having two children, I don't think he would leave them for me and our baby. It's so painful.
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I do think you have to tell your T, even though this is all horribly painful, and here is why: because you love your baby.
I will echo what Ididitmyway, and spin it this way: this is your first taste of being that protective mother bear that you will have to be when your baby is born. You are already experiencing it by trying to go without meds (although I will reiterate, I don't think you *have* to, but I understand why you want to try). If you can apply the attitude of doing what's best for your baby that you are taking regarding meds, to the situation with your exT, then the choice is clear.
You do present the situation as if it were 99% your responsibility and 1% his responsibility, only because he provided the sperm that made your baby. But that's just not the case. In the best of situations, it's 50% your responsibility, 50% his. And that's assuming he didn't coerce you in any way, which you and I will disagree on -- but let's just call it 50/50.
To put it in perspective, think about how you feel about benzos. From what I understand, it seems that the risk for a specific birth defect goes from about 0.07% to 0.7%. (I don't know anything about miscarriage risk, but I haven't heard anything about it, and you're already at 3 months anyway, which ought to decrease your chances even on meds.) So, by saying no to benzos, you are saying "I know it's a small risk, but I want to keep that 0.63% for myself, because I want the best for my baby." And that's only 0.63%! Which, again, I understand. You want to give your baby 100%.
No parent can ever give 100% to their kid. It's just not possible to perfectly fill every single need. And your exT will not be able to be that full other 50% since he is married and has a family of his own, and is not likely to leave them. But he has more potential than 0%, and
you owe it to your baby to try and get as much of his 50% as you can. It will hurt, it will be painful, but your baby deserves everything you can give him/her. For instance, you mentioned you're not working now? Babies are really expensive. There are ways to cut costs, but it's very expensive. You need all the support you can get, even if all he gives you is some money. You will need it. Your baby needs it. Your baby needs YOU to go get it.
If my T were here, I think he would wonder if you are used to taking full responsibility for things in your life. Whether maybe, when you were a child, you took responsibility for things that the adults in your life did to you, or ways they made you feel. Maybe you are taking on all of the responsibility for what happened between you and exT, because thinking about it as partly his responsibility -- as a professional, as someone you trusted, as a man with his own family -- is very painful. And that it's also very painful to think that he may have used to you, and may have used other women. Maybe it's just easier to say that you seduced him and now you're dealing with the consequences. These are deep questions that you will have to ask yourself.
But in the end, you have a baby to take care of now. Take care of yourself, because that is the best way to take care of your baby while pregnant. But some of taking care of your baby means doing things you don't want to do -- like confronting exT.