I am so frightened everyone. I am so tired of fighting constantly for anything even half-way good in my life. My energy is almost gone and I'm exhausted.

I am having surgery in two weeks - my 3rd back surgery. My whole lumbar section has been fused - now I am up into the thoracic section, I have a double fracture. They are going to extend my fusion. Every day since last Nov. I am in pain, between my back and the migraines. I lift anything, I'm wiped out for 3 days. I have applied for disability, been turned down twice so far.

I have no self-esteem, my value lies in what I am able to accomplish which lately is nothing. It is one continuous setback after another, including trying to get medical assistance for my medications and the surgery. I've lost 7 lbs. from not eating, can't afford to do that.

I am starting to really lose control over my emotions - Prozac is definitely not helping. I called my therapist today because I was so close to just giving in to dying. I have been planning my death for two weeks now - I have a deadline to do it and in some ways I look forward to it. No more stress, no pain....just the peace and contentment I crave. I feel so absolutely worthless these days......I don't even have the courage to stay alive. I am the main supporter of my family - my husband can't work and my son is only 7. It doesn't help when my husband constantly tells me how I need to be doing more, etc.

It used to be enough to stay alive for my son, but I'm not providing for him, for my family. Of what use am I then? A waste of air space really.

Thank you for listening to me.

Mary Alice