I've been in therapy for above 2 years but I have never talked about my traumatic childhood because even thinking about it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.
Last month I had flashbacks at nights, memories haunt me, it's like radio or tv who you can turn off. When something reminds me of it, I want to kill myself to stop these memories or even worse- if it could happen again.

I told my T about it but couldn't tell about my childhood memories.
1) I don't believe that talking about it can make anything better because even thinking about it makes everything worse. I'm afraid what could happen to me after session.
2) It's almost impossible to talk about it, I could write and gave T to read it but I still worry what could happen after session if I need to think/talk about it.
3) I think it's stupid and any T couldn't understand how something like that could be so horrible for me.
4) i wanted to talk about it on drugs but my T doesn't accept it and told me that I would think that only drugs could help me which is not true, i just can't talk about it.

If therapy helped anyone with PTSD please share.