Quote:
Originally Posted by monalisasmile
I am sorry, this sounds like a hard place to be in  I am wondering if you could wrote down in an email to your t what you need and don't send it.
It seems like all of these people have different boundaries and rules but it doesn't appear to be rejecting, somewhere along the way your brain confused that with rejecting. Probably because you had some experience with being rejected and told you are too much. How were your parents when you looked for support and nurturing as a child. I am betting they didn't give you any(I hope I am wrong)
Can we support you in anyway?
I know we are not there in front of you but we are real and we care. |
Yep. You're correct. My parents were very neglectful and didn't give me much support or nurturing
The most love I got from my mom was getting to choose a stuffed animal of hers to sleep with every night. The most from my dad was that I got to play and take my naps under his desk when he worked. One memory I have from childhood: I was upset so I went to cuddle next to my mom on the couch. She told me to leave her alone and pushed me off the couch. I wound up just crying myself to sleep on the floor next to her feet.
I have been literally rejected and abandoned throughout my life. 31 people have abandoned me (not just my perception). I have lost many other people in my life for different reasons too (death-8, family moved, they moved, etc). Most of my rejection I have experienced has been due to my mental health. An example: my best friend in HS didn't want to take me to the prom because he said my depression would have ruined the night. I have been picked on or made fun of a lot, but not to the extent of bullying except one time.
If I don't include my emotions, the facilitator, my Pdoc, and my primary haven't rejected or abandoned me. The facilitator (now that she is) is too busy to make time for me? My Pdoc is on maternity leave, so that has nothing to do with me. And my primary is only working one day a week because she has to also work as a Pdoc to cover my Pdoc's clients.
But I am so sensitive to even the percieved notion of rejection and abandonment. It is my core issue, the one symptom of BPD I have never really made progress on. The feelings hit me so hard and fast. I instantly start crying, and soon after, usually wind up in a complete breakdown. Happened twice today
I do feel a lot of support from many of you
I can't express how much I appreciate it. I don't usually need solutions. I find that life usually works itself out. From here, I feel a lot of support when people respond with their experiences, logic (least if it applies to me), and all the virtual hugs. Just knowing I'm not alone, someone is listening/reading, and that even if I might be too deep into my emotions, being validated that it's okay. Just knowing I have some value and that someone cares. Those things mean the most to me