At the AA meeting today, my sponsor asked how my day was going. I answered her honestly, saying that I had run out of trazodone and I am not sleeping well at night, and then I take the Vistiril for anxiety and it makes me sleep during the day, so I am up and down, cycling between feeling anxious and sleeping.

She said, laughing, "Maybe you should do something else, maybe you should try volunteering somewhere." (She doesn't approve of my work-from-home job.)

We had already been through this. I had already made it clear to her that I could not do these other things she asked of me which were getting an outside job, going to meetings daily, and joining a homegroup. Now she thinks the solution is volunteering, working for FREE when I am behind on my rent and I need to focus on making as much money as I can right now so I can catch up. She also knows that I just applied for disability.

I stewed about this through the whole meeting and when I got home, I sent her this text:

"You asked me how my day went. And I answered you. I wasn't asking for advice, I was just answering your question. I really don't want suggestions anymore. Making another commitment in my life right now like volunteering is just going to overwhelm me. The current issue is that my meds are off and I need to get the trazodone and get back on schedule and volunteering won't fix that. Thank you for understanding."

I'm not going to look at my texts at all the next few days. I have to focus on working. I'm also thinking about giving up on the whole sponsor thing. I think they are all like this. If I wanted someone telling me what to do, I would have stayed married or stayed living with my parents. The whole reason I moved to this new town was to have freedom and start a new life.