Poor Justice. I hope that doesn't sound patronizing, because I mean it. Your life has been very hard, and I hope that you are soon able to get away from your very dysfunctional family and cut all ties with them.

Utah is a pretty big state. Is there any way you can get away from them by moving someplace closer than Calif but still away from them?

You are right that I haven't had the kinds of experiences that you have. I do not want to imagine them.

One thing I have learned in my life is that there is no way to measure anyone's pain.

I am by no means, Justice, attempting to minimize your pain. You have been through a lot, and you not only survived, but something in you wants to be whole, wants to get free of the anger and the defensiveness. I respect what you have done and are doing.

Perhaps part of the journey for you will be understanding that people's whose life experiences are completely different from yours feel emotional and soul pain, express it, and are equally deserving of having their pain acknowledged by others -- just because we are all humans in pain. At the level of pain, what caused the pain is less important than the deep feelings of grief, anger, unhappiness, sorrow, guilt, etc. that we cope with.

Even physicians do not have a good, objective way to measure physical pain. They ask, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it hurt?" But my 3 may be your 7. Still my pain is just as real to me as yours is real for you. If we don't have the science to measure physican pain, there is no way that we can compare who hurts the most at the level of emotions and soul.

I can say, "Your life experiences are worse than mine. I never had to cope with that."

But look at Christina Onassis who was heir to a Greek shipping fortune and kept trying to commit suicide and finally OD'ed. What did she have to be so unhappy about? But her pain was so great, she gave up. And you are fighting. So what causes the pain doesn't measure the depths of the pain that the person feels.

Am I making sense? I'm not sure.

I am glad that you are here, Justice, you have found PC, Justice, and people who have similar experiences and can relate to you at a deep level. I hope I haven't written anything too dumb from your perspective.