Couples therapy last Thursday was brutal. We were scheduled again for Tuesday/tomorrow, and I called today to cancel. Just too soon. The last session left us not even on speaking terms. We are just starting to talk again. Anyone who has ever wondered about couples therapy--for me, it has been brutal at times. After the last session, I felt battered, very wounded, hurt, angry, everything. I have never felt that way in individual therapy; sure, individual has been tough and exhausting and painful before, but has never felt so, well, just plain damaging. (I wonder if it's possible to be traumatized by therapy?) I'm finding in couples, that you just don't get the same support from and connection with the therapist. I miss that level of support. Plus, sometimes T says stuff and I just want to smack him, and I feel like, "you aren't helping things at all, buddy!"

One thing that was very interesting to me in the last session (in an abstract, take one step back way) was that I felt several times like just getting up and leaving. I could visualize myself getting up and leaving the room, walking out the door, leaving my husband and therapist behind. I kept looking over at the door, distracted with my little fantasy. Why did I stay? Well, no way did I stay for my husband. I stayed for my kids and also because of my therapist and our bond. I didn't want to walk out on him, out of respect for him and the process, and also because of how much I trust him. I know I could not have stood this sort of session with just anyone in the counselor role. Without the well-established bond, I would have been gone. So now it is making more sense to me what I have been doing in individual therapy all these months: building a strong relationship with my therapist so I could tolerate couples work. I had no idea.

Ostensibly, in couples therapy, we are working on uncoupling. I hadn't really known what that meant. Now maybe I'm beginning to understand. I think part of it is to lose the emotional attachment to your spouse. Well, I'm feeling now like I never want to see him again. Is that the point? I'm so glad we're not going tomorrow.