My fiance always notices this happens with my T. He can spend hours trying to help me and nothing works. I talk to my T for 5 mins and I'm instantly better. Or I spend the week struggling, and after I see my T, 95% I keave in such a better staye. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. And it's always with women who have a temporary role in my life. Just having that connection with them makes me feel whole, alive, and a part of life. It's like their encouragement fuels my desire to fight and live. W/o it, I wither away.

I don't know how to achieve this within myself. I definitely don't know what "it" is that makes these women have such an impact on my life. And what's interesting, these types of women I get attached to are not rare. I have found a ton of them in my life w/o even seeking them out. I'm not even sure what trait(s) make them so emotionally attractive to me. They are all intelligent, strong, caring women, but they have so many differences. Different personalities, appearances, professions, ages etc. One suffered from depression and felt she failed at mothering. Two were very non-emotionally reactive (most people found them extremely intimidating). There are many many women out there who are intelligent, strong, and caring, but these women have something different. Whatever that difference is, the thing I'm emotionally attracted to, I need to find that within myself.

I don't think that psychodynamic would be helpful. To be honest, I'm still not quite sure what that is except it's based in Frued and the unconscious. For one, I'm not a big fan of Frued. Two, I don't think more emotional intimacy btwn me and a T will be helpful...though I would probably love it. I think if would only make my attachment worse. Sorry for the example (it's been told to me twice this week so it's on my mind): it would be like giving an alcoholic one sip, one more drink. My attachment would turn into transference. So while it would give me more emotional stability, ot would also make it harder for me to make improvement. Does that make sense?

I really believe that my T is as close to perfect as I T that I could have found. The level of intimacy, connection (even though I lose the sense of it), the stability, security, consistency, trust, challenge, etc. is exactly what I need.

Funny though, my fiance's T (who knows my T), thinks I need a T who doesn't bounce around "like a ping pong ball"...according to my fiance. I told my fiance that's not true. My T isn't the one bouncing around. She's being stable. I'm the one bouncing around. My T does adjust a little depending on my needs, but it would do any good if she tries to meet all my needs. My T is role modeling stability which is what I need. I want 100% comfort 100% of the time, but that would hurt me more than help.

Maybe I'm weird? But I do know that I enjoy my relationship with my T and do feel like she's helping. Past T's goals have been to get me into "normal" life: college, job, etc. They put me into those things asap. That is my T's goal for me too, but we're taking a different path. She's working with me on specific issues of mine instead of pushing me into my end goals. I hope this new path works. The only way I'll know is when I start termination with her. If I can stand on my own even just for a little while, then it worked.