Quote:
Originally Posted by monalisasmile
Hi scarlet, I hope you are feeling better today? It's hard to let support in if you have never had any. I can imagine with bpd that the feelings of rejection are magnified and this must be very painful for you. There must be a process in all of it. Have you ever tried to track your process and identify the triggers?
When you say you cried and had a breakdown, I am hearing self regulation is very hard for you and of course it would be if you have had no support and had to deal with these feelings alone. You maybe try to suppress them but the are so strong and powerful and just need someone to sit down and acknowledge them with you 
I used to struggle with overwhelming feelings too, hard feelings I had never shared with anyone until my current t and even just saying them out loud. Like, "my parents never loved me" or "I am completely alone". They stopped screaming inside because they had been heard and acknowledged. I invite you to acknowledge your feelings that were crying for attention Scarlet. Really listen to what they need, or what you need and deserve. |
Yes, I'm doing better today
Exhausted, but not in a crisis.
The bolded part: YES!!! I think what it comes down to is not feeling alone. Because of all of the rejection and abandonment I've experienced, I desperately desire to feel a part of the world. Having someone there who cares, just actively listening is huge for me.
Same with the support I desire from PC: just someone who reads and trys to understand, not necessarily trying to solve anything. Advice is welcomed, the relating and connection is what I desire. I just don't want to be alone.
I actually don't have as many breakdowns as I used to, though I have become a cryer again since restarting therapy. I breakdown now due to trauma (i.e. fighting with my fiance), and any hint of abandonment and rejection. It is definitely an overreaction. It like a flight or fight response. It's intense and severe. The only way to reduce the intensity is to get the comfort and support from someone else or to "fight" (i.e. try to change the situation).
I actually did "fight" in terms of my primary doc. I wrote her 2 additional emails, and even called the main office to see if they could accommodate me. That failed. So I fought my fiance last night to take my to the ER (because I was knew there would only be male doctors and needed someone with me for that). We actually did get into a fight, but I won and got treated last night. Which btw, the ER doctor even confirmed I already waited too long and need to be seen asap if that ever happens again...made my fiance feel bad for fighting with me. I still am upset that I can't see my primary because I want her support right now, but that is a want not a need.
It's difficult to identify exactly what my thoughts/feelings/myself need. I am aware when there is a need going unmet though. I can easily identify feelings and the "roots" of the feelings and thoughts too.
But how do you identify needs and how to meet those needs on your own?