I guess I have been down for a few days. Not for the whole day, but for a majority of the day. I've been hesitant to call it an episode because I've been normal feeling for a few hours during the day, so I can't be depressed, right?

But I've also been super tired. I called out of work twice this week. I slept until 1 pm on one of the days. And it wasn't even that I was tired, I just felt too anxious to get out of bed. When I woke up on Tuesday I was gripped with an anxiety attack at the thought of going to work. Which is why I called out. I just feel worthless as a teacher, and I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do work. Like I'm letting my IEPs and I'm gonna be super stressed when the meetings start coming up.

I don't want to play with my son but I'm forcing myself to because my mom never played with me and I don't want to be like that.

Today has been the worst day out of all of them. I woke up excited for Friday so I was happy but it wasn't too long before I was just worn out. Not necessarily depressed but I wanted to go home and go back to sleep just to get away from the world. I doubted myself all day and my consultant mentioned scheduling my evaluation and I was just like it won't matter, I'm gonna fail. I'm also irritated today. Just in my head. Like I walked by my social worker director and called him a stuffy old bastard in my head...he didn't even do anything or say anything to me, I just hate everybody today.

I'm so tired and I just want the freedom to be me but my husband is like "what's your problem. Why are you depressed? Like I have an answer. So I said I had a long day at work and he just said "well you're home now. Stop thinking about it and dwelling on it" like that wi make me feel happy again. Yup I'll just stop thinking. I'm more worried about our financial situation. It's pretty bad with just me working.

I'm not depressed I iust hate everyone and want to go to sleep. Pretty strong SI urges today too, but not uncontrollable.m

Does it even matter? Who cares. Even if I am depressed it really doesn't matter. It's much better than it used to be so really who the **** cares. I don't. I can't fix it. I'll never be stable for long periods of time. This is as good as it gets. And I don't even get the awesome highs. I feel robbed.

I'm just rambling. Don't even know why I posted. Thanks guys.