Hi everyone! I'm Kyle. I am a junior in high school who lives near the Chicago area. There is a lot to be typed, so bare with me
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First off, I'm not a native Spanish speaker, but I know a decent amount. I plan to become a Spanish teacher, actually It's such a beautiful language (even moreso than French). Anyway, "el cambio" is Spanish for "the change". I want to be the (good) change in the world; the name is pretty straight-forward.
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As a child, I was very hyperactive! My parents told me that I was nearly impossible to control. I guess that I even ran outside the house naked as a toddler once! hahah. I also was a pretty impulsive kid, and I had a hard time expressing my emotions. I also had trouble with respecting personal boundaries. I was diagnosed with ADHD early in my childhood, but I don't know exactly when. I actually got off of Adderall in 5th grade, but I started taking it again back in October 2014. (I shaved my head on impulse from stress, more on this later). I still have ADHD. Without my medicine, I have problems with forgetting what I'm doing in the middle of tasks. My thoughts are also quite jumpy. I also can be impulsive in times, but it's much more controlled (more on this later also).
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Fast forward to end of freshman year. I was starting to grow into my own identity. I was confident and happy. I had start seeing this guy that I met off of another message board. We dated for a little over a year on and off. He's a great guy. I also was starting to drink (and had alcoholism immediately). My friends had stuff to drink, and I was curious. I do not know many alcoholics at all. I was actually really ignorant about alcohol before my consumption. It seemed like fun that I was unfamiliar with but would eventually do. When I tried it, it was the coolest and best feeling I ever had. I went to the grocery store and ate but loved it so much. Some people can't handle it, I guess. When I start drinking, it's so hard to stop. I was honestly the "happiest" I've ever been then. What comes up must come down though...
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Sophomore year: I was drinking a lot alone, pretty much every weekend. I would go on Omegle and do certain things. I was still dating my boyfriend though. He told me that I really should stop in November 2013. I started drinking in June 2013. I didn't see myself as an alcoholic. I was just having fun, right? I did try to quit a few weeks later, but it never worked for long. I missed the euphoric feeling. He was also not around very much because he was studying at college. I was starting to feel out of control and depressed. I had soccer too, and that wasn't the best experience (end of 2013-beginning of 2015, more on this later). I almost had to break up with him because his family was homophobic and found out about us too. It was not the best time of my life.
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I also had this guy "friend". He's most likely a sociopath. He wanted to be with me and always talked about my boyfriend negatively. He was weird. I just thought he was different though. I messed around with him a couple of times while with my boyfriend, and that made everything change. He wasn't always like that. He was pretty cool at first. That was when he became manipulative. I did stuff with him a decent amount of times because he played me well. I was impulsive like I already said; I cheated on my boyfriend a lot over that year. Add in my alcohol issues, and you have a messy relationship with a lot of fights. Fast forward to September 2014. My boyfriend and I were celebrating my birthday. I cheated with my boyfriend (over Skype) a couple weeks before, and we were on a break. He still came and bought me coffee and food for my birthday. It was very sweet. He gave me so many chances that I didn't deserve. Anyway, after that, I went over to this guy's house. He knew we were on a break. I was talking about drinking, and he agreed to do it. We got drunk and had full-on sex (I had full-on sex with my boyfriend too, dw). I did not want to do it sober, but I could really care less drunk. Even though we were on a break, my boyfriend was not happy and pretty much had a meltdown. He gave on me pretty much. I had a puff of a cigarette a couple weeks later out of curiosity, and he completely gave up on me. I was single. I felt so low and stupid to say the least. My mom was also upset with me at the time because my calculus grade was pretty poor. I felt pretty low about all of it, and I shaved my head out of impulse. I'm glad I did it. It helped me show how on I felt on the inside. I was put on Adderall after.
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Potential anxiety: The first time I became anxious on a regular basis was with the aforementioned soccer team. I changed teams for my non-school team. It was pretty high-level. The players and coach were all douchebags, honestly. It was all very stressful for me. I was so scared of making a mistake. He was impatient and focused on having himself look good only. I still get anxious from the flashbacks about things he said to me (mainly just being pissed off at me, haha). I don't like the environment of sports really anymore. It's so stressful and over-the-top for me. I love music. It helped me get sober and helps me see beauty in the world. I can express myself too. It's great.
Lately, I've been not able to trust people as much because of the aforementioned "friend". I don't know if people are trying to manipulate me or not. I'm also nervous about people thinking that I'm manipulative. It just happens. A week or two ago, I had a random feeling that I was gonna die soon. I don't know why. Last night, I visualized this random woman staring at me with my eyes closed, and it scared the crap out of me! I was breathing heavily for a second.
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Bipolar disorder: I may have it?? I'm not sure. I've been both suicidal and euphoric for a decent amount of time at a certain point. I remember I had this period of time while sober where I was overly confident and energetic for no reason out of nowhere. I was being so silly and goofy too. It felt amazing. I also had this feeling that there was another world out there, and it all made sense. I also have been suicidal from not being able to trust people and feeling like there's no purpose to life. I'm too lazy to type all of this.
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I hit the tip of the iceberg (or tried). Thanks for reading if you still are. I probably made this tooooo long. Sorry. Thank you so much for reading!!