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Originally Posted by Kymaro
Well, I have a confession and I'm thinking it might even be a good/positive confession. A bit of history I cycle rapidly regularly. Mostly into hypo to hyper manic, A few depression stages hit me with in a given year. Which brings be me to my needing confirmation. I have been having rapid suicidal thoughts over the past week, they sneak into my thoughts faster than I even realize they are there. But in the end I find myself thinking of the consequences should I fail. Good right? Does this mean I am "thinking" it through? Is it a dangerous path? I pretty much have a large failure rate. A few serious, had a stranger not been there at the right time and place, I would not be here typing. Bottom line, how long should I hold on that the consequences are my central thoughts? I know what happens when I give up and decide the consequences are not enough to protect me or I even find a "for sure" way that I wont have to face them. (back ground: I'm on a pretty tight leash by my support system) But how will I know when that time is coming, and when should I seek hospitalization. I'm not sure if I am truly ready for it to end, In my dreams, I have been dying and I force myself to wake up, sweating and shaking and "SCARED". When should I throw in the red flag? And are there even odds that I will know when to throw the red flag? 
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You should tell your doctor or counselor how you feel, mine says any homicidal or suicidal thoughts requires an immediate call to him. Thought that was a real compliment because he wants me to be around. Some of my family said to me that if you are that messed up then who cares if you die. (How F**** up is that!!!) So I avoid them like they plague. Especially important to be aware if you are changing dosage or medications as they can really come on quick. I struggled with this because I was on wrong medicine. I went thru a variety of meds, but also realized the anti-depressant (SSRI) threw me into a mixed state that made me think some crazy thoughts. I could go from relaxed to violent in a matter of minutes...scared myself a little. Lamictal really helped me and does not sedate me to the point I no longer want to be around. I am currently taking buspar(kicks the worry) along with lamictal and it really helps me. I feel depressed more than anything but I would rather tackle depression on my own than to have mixed states. With that being said, are you taking an SSRI with your other meds? Depo and SSRI had me feeling similar to what you are describing and it was simply the medication!!! I stopped taking the SSRI and requested Lamictal per suggestion of my counselor and it has really helped me!!! My wife doesn't see the difference but "I" can tell the difference and that is most important right now. I feel like I am slowly climbing out of this crap (learning to live with the new "ME"). I am learning to find something enjoyable during my extreme depression episodes. It can be something simple and I don't let anybody interrupt that because to me it is a lifesaver. If your thoughts start as something simple and continue to spiral, the medication needs to be changed. I am currently depressed but no longer have suicidal thoughts because of the right medication. Talk to your doctor as soon as possible. SSRI's with BP is dangerous in my opinion.