Your eloquent words have moved me to message you. I am so sorry to hear that your life is in turmoil at the moment. Although you may not think it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am new to these forums but I have found that talking things through via this site has helped me with the healing process regarding my painful issues . You need to try and concentrate on healing your mind and wellbeing. You sound like a caring kind person and that is a positive thing. Life deals us bad cards sometimes and learning to cope wth these issues makes us stronger. I have found that writing down all the negative thoughts I have had towards my husband has helped me deal with the pain. I didn't send them to him. I screwed them up and threw them in the bin which I found has given me a little bit of closure. It hasn't made the pain go away, but has let me grieve for my loss, albeit on paper. I hope you find peace in your life soon. Kind regards Lolo x