I still want to kill myself?

I mean I don't know why really. Things are getting a little better for me. I got a job for the first time in my life and I'm becoming a little bit more independent but I'm still sad inside apparently.

I'm turning 22 soon. Friendless at 22. My friends abandoned me. It wasn't a sudden abandonment. Worse than that. It was being replaced, like I was an old model. From best friend to friend to fifth wheel to no one. Watching as my friends found new friends and started leaving me out. Staring inwards as the glass between myself and my old friends grew thicker.

They are gone now.

I feel alone and hurt inside.

I have an idea of how I want to kill myself and it just seems so right. I won't go into the details. It seems to relieving though the idea of it. To just let go and die. Nothing matters anymore and just die. One more thing left to do- just die. It gets intrusive sometimes and I will start to feel a tearing up feeling in my eyes. Intense and strong. It's painful yet I want it.

I want to die.

...

At night I lay in bed, sometimes I am tired enough and go right to bed thanks to the seroquel but sometimes it doesn't seem to work. I lay in bed and thoughts bombard me. Negative and intrusive. I don't belong to live. I am a joke. They are laughing at me.

"They are laughing at you."

"Why do you try."

I wonder why I do try. Why can't I just lay down and die. A path of inner self-destruction. A deep sense of hopelessness.

I feel horrible and ugly. A body ruined and hard to repair. I try to repair it but it's so slow. Such a slow pace. It takes forever.