This is rather complicated, so I tried to make a list. Also, I marked triggers where I wrote more. Sorry for causing trouble here.
Here is the situation:
High school:
- being dropped out of the group friends (my only friends...) due to being too introvert
- insomnia since ~3rd grade in high school (a year before school leaving exams)
- anxiety, depression, and a bit of self-harm
- school leaving exams in 4th grade: even more anxiety, school counselling didn't help at all, but somehow I passed and got into the uni I wanted to go to.
After entering university:
- I found new friends and got a bit better
- exam fright and anxiety got worse year by year, especially when I failed such subject which are available only in spring/only in autumn term (so if you fail twice you finish 1 whole year later because of that subject)
- As time passed, most of the new friends got further away as every semester meant the forming of new seminar groups, I rarely met those I knew in the 1st or the 2nd semester...
Last year of university:
- It's almost the same as in high school, except that I'm not that introvert anymore
- The stress is...constant. I didn't even feel any difference between the end of the last semester and the beginning of the new one. Even the small "break" between the semesters was awfully stressful.
- It seems I'm on the edge of burnout (or in it?)
- I've been helping out my fellow students ever since ~2nd year of uni, e.g. explaining some things, finding some pieces of information, like using Quizlet (which is pretty useful, flashcards, matching words or terms with definitions). I take my notes by typing on my laptop, so it's really easy finalizing them and sending them to those who missed lectures.
- But now I can't even track who asked for which kind of note...I tell them to warn me or write me online, because I can't follow it anymore...
- I've been stressing and worrying about the final exams for about a year now (since last spring semester)
- So I'm planning to stay here for one more semester to finish all my subjects and then I can focus on the final exams and such in the next semester
- Still, there's all this pressure: passing all the exams, showing a happy-everything-is-all-right-face on the outside, also losing much much more weight
- trying to keep friends
At home:
- No one knows anything. My family is rather conservative about mental issues.
-- I went to the school counsellor secretly, but nothing really changed...
- I've been wearing a mask ever since I found out I had depression (especially at home)
- When I had the worst times in high school, I kept doodling depression-related
doodles and I'm still hiding those notebooks so no one will find them
- I'm afraid of saying anything of staying at uni for a bit longer because of my family's expectations, but I know I should tell them sooner or later...ONLY this: I have many exams and it will be a bit too much finishing in the same term, so it would be better to stay here for another semester. But even with this, all the other issues will remain unsolved...
So, this is all in a nutshell.
I have no idea where to turn to, who to talk to...I don't think there's any counselling in uni. I'm just feeling more and more symptoms of burnout and I'm not sure where it ends...