Hi everyone,

After 2 years of doing virtually nothing with my life, I stopped the drugs and returned to graduate school this semester, which began in January.

Unfortunately, I was told that I had to add an additional graduate class--not something I intended nor wanted to do. But I needed the financial aid to pay for my tuition and help my family.

I haven't been studying the way I should have. I am not sure if this is just my laziness of the fact that I am on very sedating medication.

I also have problems with attention. I forget things many places; I almost get into car accidents. I am very disorganized and "fade out" frequently in classes.

I'm at midterms now and I am having to catch up with a lot. I don't think I can do it. I am hoping that I can get a reduced classload requirement; otherwise, if I drop a class, I cannot get financial aid next semester.

All throughout the semester, I have had frequent suicidal thoughts because I live in a small area and professors know of my mental health history. I sometimes run to the internet to escape them, and then wind up procrastinating.

I hate myself, and I've been seriously considering suicide again, making some plans and researching methods.

I'm dx'ed with bipolar disorder rapid-cycling and once with Borderline PD--although the latter has been debated.

I'm not sure what to do . Should I just accept that I didn't study hard enough and leave? Should I give myself some credit for trying even though I am normally very tired from meds? Should I try to drop one course and continue?

Anything? I have been hospitalized every year of my life almost. I have pulled out ~$40k to help my family. But I have been abusive to them at times verbally, so I just figure it's my way of helping out. Also, I'm in my late 20s, and I figure I just can't live for free off people.

I love my family and I like my studies, but ever since I was told I needed to take the hardest course in the curriculum along with 2 other grad courses and 1 upper-level undergrad course, I have felt so overwhelmed that I have at times ignored everything completely.

I have two bachelor's in sciences already, but now I struggle with wanting to live. I'm ambivalent about life. I in one hand want to die, but I'm afraid. I'm also worried that my mother can't handle my death, but I'm tired of being a good-for-nothing, disabled son who has been in the hospital longer than he has worked.