Thanks so much for all your comments. I can definitely see my T's point. And I have never pried into what goes on in therapy between the 2 of them, and would never consider that. I place very high value on the confidentiality of therapy. I have never called my daughter's T before. I'm just not the meddling sort. (almedafan, I think by law, once they are 12 years old, the minors are entitled to doctor-patient confidentiality.) What makes it confusing for me is she told me at the outset of therapy that she wanted me to inform her when this big event was coming down, but now she potentially doesn't want to hear it? And meanwhile, my own T is saying, "have you told your daughter's T about this yet?" My goal is to do what is best for my daughter. Anyway, I am going to trust my daughter's T to know how to proceed as she is the expert and has no doubt gone through this many times. I asked her for solutions to the dilemma, and she did not mention the leaving messages on the phone idea. (From what she said, she would not be able to use this information anyway, unless I had specific permission from my daughter to leave a phone message.) Instead, she wants me to talk to my daughter first about the idea of my contacting her, so I am going to follow her advice and try that. I will keep my fingers crossed that her suggestion goes well.

All of your posts have helped make me become more aware of an underlying subtext in my call to my daughter's T. It has to do with my husband, and that he pressured me to do this to bring up a certain issue with her T about her, which actually I realize now I had no intention of talking about with her T. I consider it inappropriate. (But at least I would have been able to say to my husband, "I called daughter's T" or so my rationalization goes.) Instead, I have a different, more important issue I would like to share with her T. But meanwhile, my husband is bugging me and says his lawyer says I need to contact the T and say X. And I don't want to. I want to say Y, which is important to say and that the T told me, at the outset of therapy, to tell her about. AAAACKKK! I am a communications disaster, as you can tell. Should I just tell my husband "you call the T if you want to say X"? Or should I say "it's inappropriate to say X to the T, as you and your lawyer want, but if possible, I will try to communicate Y to her?" Sometimes I just feel so messed up. I really am trying to do the right thing.

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Under what circumstances is her therapist obligated to tell you anything about your daughter's sessions?? she is 13...

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I think if it involved self harm or she was suicidal.