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Old Feb 28, 2015, 08:54 PM
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Khione Khione is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 125
I didn't know where to shove this post, I hope here is okay.

I have a major issue with crying. Well, maybe it's not a major issue, but it definately annoys me and frustrates the living hell out of me. It also affects what I say and when I say things (how I feel etc).

I've noticed I seem to have an inability to cry unless I'm with my boyfriend. Even when I'm on my own, it feels like my guard is up and unless something happens whilst I'm on my own, I wont cry. Not even if I am reminded of a past trauma, not even if I stress about college or work. But all of the above causes me to burst out into tears at the snap of a finger when I'm with my boyfriend. Which makes me think; I must have some form of a guard or a barrier up preventing myself from crying and feeling vulnerable unless I feel safe and secure (i.e. with my boyfriend).

I'd usually be fine with this, ya' know.. who really want's to cry when they're on their own or in front of people. Well, if you haven't properly cried in about a year (except from a few times with your partner) it starts to feel very much like I'm a volcano about to erupt any second.. though I know I'm not because apparently I wont let myself (cry).

My issue with this is that when I'm talking to my therapist, or learning support lady at college, or my mum.. I feel like they aren't going to take me seriously when I talk about something usually upsetting. And I get those times when I can't cry in front of my boyfriend.. so he thinks I'm annoyed or just "not talking to him" when in reality, all I want to do is hug him and cry but I physically can't. I could sit and think about all the bad things that have happened or could happen.. but nothing.

It's the same when I have an anxiety attack. I feel like I need to cry, I feel like it would help me release all of the built up emotion. When I have an anxiety attack, I feel like that volcano about to erupt anyway, and so not being able to cry and lessen that internal pressure I have bubbling away... well it's driving me insane.

Has anyone else experience similar things and have you overcome it? How can I get myself to just feel secure enough to cry whilst I'm laid in bed and stuff like that.. (I know feeling safe and secure wont come over night, but I want to at least be able to cry whether I feel safe/secure or not).