I don't think I need a long discussion each time but I understand your concern. I appreciate you saying that you aren't criticizing my therapist. I think I'm a bit touchy with that. It's funny, I'm actually "looking" for an old recording of my therapist talking about my cutting. He was asking me if I would cut or destroy the tree outside the window. It was a great conversation but I don't remember it all and I felt the need to hear it today. I do discuss the why's. Mostly it is the fact that my brain is telling me that I am a failure, unlovable, and that disappearing is the answer. I believe that my therapist is right that they are lies but in the depths of my depression I can't think clearly like I am now.

I think I need to tell him how I feel that at night I turn into a different person. I did tell him at my last appointment that I don't want him to see or ask about my cuts because I feel shame. At the same time I want him to see and ask. I guess I need to know that he cares. He reminded me that he isn't judging me.