Hi joyfulgirl --

I wanted to tell you that I relate with so much of what you are saying. The hypersexuality and the shame and humiliation that goes with it. Seeing auras and feeling intense connection with people. The latter has been a huge one for me and has led me to get into some pretty bad situations because I trusted people I shouldn't have. I've done a lot of things I regret.

I disagree with the notion that if you are aware you are fine. I am often aware of my behaviors but that doesn't mean I can control them. I can be aware enough to say "I'm out of control and need help". This allows me to advocate for myself when I need a med adjustment or whatever it may be.

I am in a mostly depressed period now (although I still get urges to do things) and I am terrified of being manic again. I'm not sure if this is true or not but I have this idea that everyone knows what I've done, the kind of girl I am. I'm worried I've ruined my reputation and I don't want to make it worse. And even moreso it is about my self worth, because I feel a lot of self-loathing as a result of some of my manic actions. I do try to embrace it and myself though, as I know I was not in control at the time.

Anyways...Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I hope you get your diagnosis straightened out.