My mom has a court date on Tuesday. I had told her previously I cannot come (causes WAY too much anxiety. the last time I went, I nearly threw up all over the place). She has had over a month to find someone else to go with her, but no one is available.
I deliberately made sure to have therapy scheduled for that day and time so I would have an excuse. Now she is asking me on short notice and I am getting a huge guilt trip. I tried to compromise with her about going to court and being supportive before the trial, but I need to leave when it starts. She got snippy and told me that was useless to her. She wants me to go and sit through it all.
I don't want to cancel my therapy appointment this week for a whole host of reasons, but the biggest one is that I really can't do the anxiety of being in court. I likely would not be able to reschedule T this week, so would have to go another week without an appointment, but there's a lot of anxiety around how I interpreted last appointment that I really want to get cleared away. I don't want to have to wait another week. It's also kinda ****** to cancel at this point since she won't be in again till Tuesday to get the message.
I'm assuming T would say to take care of myself and keep the appointment. But then how do I get around the guilt of not being supportive for my mom? (the subject of the trial is also a difficult one for me).
Even just thinking of going and my heart is racing. I feel bad that she will be going alone, but... ugh!
My whole life I always put others first because the guilt over not doing that is excruciating. So, therapeutically, it would be good for me to keep my appointment with T...
Last week I thought T hated me. The more distance I get from it though, the more I think I was just reading that into the situation. I really want to address it with her. I want to tell her that I think her assessment of me was not fair, and that I'm not as hopeless as she made me out to be... I don't want to lose my courage to be able to ask/say these things to her...
I dunno. I'm so conflicted. It's making my chest cramp up with anxiety. What's worse: T pissed at me, or mom pissed at me?