SO......HERE I GO..........

Things have gotten critical...BMI below redicilious, weighing myself countless times a day, not taking in almost anything at all, passing out, 5 day stint hooked up to a heart monitor because heart rate very poor,,arrythmeia poor potassium and electrolytes. My gastroparesis has gotten so bad a well as my colitis because of long term anorexia...33 years of abuse.

I've already been in 7 treatment centers...combative, beligerant, disruptive and ready to sign myself out, only staying under threat of being commited.

I've reached the end of the road. Something has to change. Do I want to live, or do I want to have my family prepare for my burial?

For the first time in the long struggle with this disease I'm ready to be a participant in my recovery process. Im scared to death. I'm having frequant panic attacks, perpetual stress and unrelenting fear.

This disease has been my whole life, my security blanket, my identity.Who and what will i be without it? How will i exist? It's been my everything.

My body, my bones, my stomach cannot take any additional abuse. They all begun to shut down and the damage is irreversable. I'm terrified of the rest of the years of my life without this disease but I'm also afraid of the rest of my life with the damage that I put myself into and how im going to cope.

I decided to surrender. Tomorrow I enter into another treatment center in Missouri. The are trained to assist in gastropareseis, colitis, dual diagnosis among a number of other issues.

As scared as i am i am going willingly and not angry and hostile for the first time in my life.

I hope this message reaches someone so one may see that prolonged disorder does inflict signifigant damage and pain, as well as the opportunity for change.