That sounds so horrible about your mother. I've seen other things you've described about her in the past. I guess adults play in many different ways, from music to games and sports, to arts, or even studying things, tinkering, making stuff, gardening. I would like to find more ways of play, for myself, as well. I hope you can find something fun, an escape or connection, however it works for you. (Example of escape or self-connection vs connnecting to others: comedy or music could be more inward-focused, or audience-focused.) You deserve it.