Hi ThisWayOut...

I'm sorry you're mom is pressuring you. I absolutely think you should go ahead and keep your T appointment. I know, it's hard, but here's my take...

You asked how to do this and not feel guilty. The way that I'd stop the guilt is to recognize that your mom is an adult, and she needs to take responsibility for herself. Part of that is developing a support system that is more than one, single person. No one person, no matter how much they love us, can do everything we need. That's not reasonable at all! You can't always be there... not without sacrificing caring for yourself, and you NEED to care for yourself.

In this case, given the extreme anxiety going to court causes you AND the fact that you'd need to miss an important therapy session, which would likely mean that you'd have even more anxiety continuing for another week, I think it's reasonable to say what you already have, "sorry mom, I'd love to help out, but I can't. I can be with you beforehand if that helps, but I have an appointment that I can't miss, so I can't go to the courthouse with you."

I also think that your mom is being selfish in a way. If she knows how much anxiety going to court causes you, and still insists you come, that's selfish - she's putting her needs in front of YOURS. We can all be selfish from time to time, and in general, it's a very human thing - I'm not blaming her or judging her here. BUT recognizing maybe helps alleviate the guilt, and gives YOU permission to be just as "selfish" (in terms of looking out for yourself, and putting your own health and needs before your moms).

Another way to look at it is... if you were in her situation, and you had a friend or relative that you really wanted to come with you, but they told you that it would cause them so much anxiety that they'd be physically ill, or that they'd need anti-anxiety medicine to do it, and on top of that they'd have to postpone an important therapy appointment, and they'd end up with more stress and suffering for the next week waiting for the appointment - how would you react? You might REALLY want them to come, but I'm guessing you'd show some compassion (I sure would try!) and understand why they couldn't come, and then go ask someone else or figure out how to deal with it on your own. You wouldn't likely say, "well too bad, I don't care how much of an inconvenience it is, or how stressed and sick it makes you! I don't care if you have a heart attack, because I really NEED you here!" That's the message I'm reading between the lines from what you're mom is doing

I kind of also think you're asking the wrong question (re: what's worse mom or T pissed at me?). I think you should ask:
- What do I *want* to do?
- What *can* I do?
- What will be the effects on me, my health, my sanity, of either decision?
- Do I have a responsibility either way here?

Stuff like that... what do YOU want and need to do?

It sure sounds like going with your mom is NOT want you want to do, and is NOT in your best interests. If it didn't cause you so much stress, and wasn't going to cause you to miss therapy, basically if it was something that you could do without causing *harm* to yourself - then sure, I'd say why not suck it up and help your mom out if you can. Lots of people do that, and it's certainly a nice thing to do.

But that's not what I'm hearing. It sounds like it is causing you *harm* both in terms of the extra stress and in terms of missing a T-appointment (and I'm saying this, remembering that not too long ago I think you posted about having flashbacks and having trouble getting up to speed with the new T enough to get help with them? You *really* don't need to add more stress to yourself at this point!)

I guess I'd also say - you're not in T because it's fun. It's not like you're skipping out on mom because you want to go party, or catch up on your favorite soap opera. It's *therapy*. It's essentially (in my mind) like getting medical treatment.

Anyway, sorry for the long long post... I'm having a crappy unstructured depressed miserable weekend with more "I can't cope so I'll just eat ice cream" than I expected, and am a bit down.

The short version is: I absolutely think you should NOT go with your mom to court, and SHOULD keep your therapy appointment. I think you might talk to your T if you still feel guilty about this, but at the end of the day, your mom is an adult, she needs to have more of a support system than just you - and that's HER responsibility, not YOURS. If she can't cope, she needs to get therapy and learn to deal with it - just like you're trying to do. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for here, at all... seriously. You can, if you want to, but really there's no reason. Putting yourself first in your own life is NOT a bad thing, it's normal and healthy and sane.

*hugs*