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Okay I am currently manic so yes please do pardon me if this does not make sense. I don't mean for it to not make sense. I am just trying to explain my voices. Because not even I am sure I understand him. You can read it and see if it makes sense. I am not sure. I am confused. I am happy though. I can laugh at paint that has already dried on the walls. I am smoking sunshine happiness right now.

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Here's my personal experience.

My voices are congruent with my mood state and change according to which mood episode I am in.

I don't hear them when I'm stable.

I must be extremely manic to hear them actually.

So when I am manic what would it look like?

Oh it's just a man. I don't know who he is really. At first he's pretty harmless. I hear him occassionally and I'm like meh whatever.

Mania progresses. His voice gets louder. He now starts singing to me when I am trying to sleep at night. I don't even like his singing. So why is he singing to me? I don't know really. I didn't ask him to. Must increase my AP. Yes, this will do the trick.

Mania progress for a few days. I am still not sleeping. I don't know why. But he only speaks to me when I am trying to sleep. I don't notice him too much during the day. But why does he come out at night? I don't know? Maybe because there is less external stimulation happening when I am trying to sleep. But I do notice him. He's starting to get a bit irritating. I want to sleep. Why is he still speaking to me? I can't sleep when he's sleeping? This is a vicious cycle. Must still keep tabs with pdoc. I mean he's not telling me anything intrusive or anything but I do wish he would just shut up. I know I need to sleep. I mean the more he speaks the less I sleep.

Few days of less sleeping. Lots of signs "I am floating above the clouds and not in the room" as my pdoc calls it. Man is now getting ANGRY. Geepers he is starting to give me a fright. I don't even know why he is YELLING at me. He is just YELLING. Why on earth is he YELLING AT ME! I know why. I have figured this one out. He is YELLING because he does NOT want me to sleep. He is ANGRY when I try and sleep. He keeps giving me a fright. Just the split second as I might start drifting he shouts. He's mad. I sit up in bed. I can't stand this yelling. It's too much. The noise. He's scaring the poop out of me. I just can't even lie down anymore. I don't even know why he's so damn angry with me. I'm just going to get out of bed. I can't stand this noise it's just too loud. So I get out of bed.

Oh well. He's not yelling now he's stopped. I am sitting on the computer typing. He is happy now.

I am glad he doesn't tell me to do negative things like he does when I am depressed.

Wait a minute?

Do I feel a little bit of a sense of relief? I mean I haven't slept for days on end but he can't yell at me when I am awake. Phew. Relief. I mean he's not telling me to harm myself. Oh I think maybe I like this mania? Oh who am I kidding? No I don't. This sucks. Where is my sleep? Why am I not allowed to sleep? This is now exhausting. Oh I didn't think that I would ever use the word exhausting and mania in the same sentence at all. I mean it never started out this way. It was great. I had lots of energy. Happy. Oh I am still happy. Let me just continue to think about how happy I am.

But I am exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Why is he so angry with me? What did I do? All I want to do is sleep?

I should stop complaining.

I mean.

I know what the angry man does when I am depressed.

I don't have intrusive thoughts when I am depressed.

HE IS MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS.

I don't want to become depressed?

What if I do start sleeping and then I flip into depression?

Oh I know what this angry man will do then.

Maybe I should be relieved that he is just yelling? I can handle yelling can't I?

I can't handle what he says when I am depressed. No. No I must stay awake. I must get over these feelings of FEAR of this angry man. He's only shouting. I mean why be afraid of shouting?

I'm more scared of this man when I am depressed. Please let me stay manic. I mean I still laugh and stuff. I know I see random people walking around my house when I know I am home alone but that is okay.

I don't want to be depressed. This man becomes EVIL when I am depressed. He tells me to do evils things. He will repeat over and over again "Go kill yourself you stupid piece of sh***". "You are not worth living". "You are better off dead." Oh it is easy to ignore the a$$hole for a few days. I mean I can put a pillow over my head and say oh shut up. But he just keeps saying "Kill yourself. Go kill yourself." I feel bad enough as it is! Why is he encouraging me to do this? I mean I have a life. I know somewhere or other on a rational level I have kids and a family. But I can't cope with him continually bringing me down. I'm already depressed. I feel like a worthless piece of poo.

This man is right.

Who am I kidding?

Everything he says is right?

I'm not worth living.

I should just kill myself.

I'm tired of not only arguing against my own suicidal thoughts during depression but now I have to listen to his c rap when I'm depressed?

Oh stuff this.

I'm done.

I've had enough.

I give in.

You win you a%%hole.

You win.

Here.

Let me prove it.