I feel trapped in a weird place. I have been working on improving my life for over a year now.

The issues i am running into:

I don't feel a connection with most of my friends. I am not anyone's " best friend" some have labelled me as such but their actions suggest otherwise.

I fear that I have that "play the victim" label. Whether I do or not,idk.

I have strong suicidal urges that I try to fight and I am doing so alone. I don't know how to stop them. My family knows about them but I don't think they care about it. I have had them for so long that they are just apart of me.

It's weird because they come on in waves. I was speaking to a bipołar person at work and they mentioned at this time every year the get depressed and check into a mental hospital for a week or two. My depression is spread out and comes in waves not in a defined period of time. So I can be collecting supplies for my demise one day and be happy the next. I feel stupid trying explain it to my therspist. I struggle to define it but after I communicate How I feel, nothing changes. Maybe they don't know how to help me. Maybe they don't believe me. Maybe they just don't care about helping me. If I were to go to a hospital I don't think they would believe me and/or be able to help me because by the next day I may be feeling normal again. I don't know how to come up with steps to correct the strong urges I get.

Dating-omg so complicated. I have avoided any kind of relationship or sexual encounter for 11 years! My brother decided a month ago that he wanted to start dating again and went out on a date Saturday. I have been trying to work up the courage for a year but I feel to ugly and so awkward. I am not sure I can fix any of this. I just feel so weird inside. I feel trapped. I just don't know how to help myself further. I sometimes wonder do I have bipołar 2, is this just a label they made up for insurance, maybe I am not " bipołar" maybe I just have poor coping skills.