I know I'm depressed. I'm sleeping way too much. I feel ashamed about everything/ feel completely worthless 24/7. I can't go to school right now, and I can't hold down a job. This is the first period of my life where it's been like this. Usually, even when I've gone through hellish periods, I've still be able to manage at least that that, and it just has me feeling worse, really. I want to work and/or go to school, but I'm barely managing everyday activities, like showering, making meals, etc. I still do them, but it's taking a lot of energy at the moment. It just wouldn't be realistic, and I know it's only temporary. I agreed it was a good idea to take the time off so that I could get myself on a good cocktail, and next semester, I will be able to do the things I need to do again, but I'm so impatient with myself.

Last night I had a fight with my mother, and it's really weighing down on me. I don't even know what started it, but she accused me of not being honest with her. I guess, from her perspective, it would look that way, but it's not my fault that what I say when I'm manic is a completely different story than what I say normal or depressed. I feel like I should be able to fix it somehow and be a better daughter than I am. I tried to explain to her that what manic me says should be taken with a grain of salt pretty much, but I get the feeling she still feels like she's being lied to. I don't know. I feel like everything I do upsets her and that I never measure up to her standards. I want to. She is a good mother for the most part, and I hate to upset her, but all in all, I just feel lousy. I really do. That's probably depression lying to me, but it's still the way I feel right now...

I'm starting to miss being inpatient more and more. The suicidal intrusive thoughts aren't going away. I know I've gotten through it before, but I worry about it so much. It's not what I want to do. Living is taking a lot out of me, yes, but I still realize how much it would hurt others around me. Still, I can have such an impulsive streak and impulsive mind that forgets about what I really want. Maybe it's more my anxiety than anything else that's causing these thoughts, but I don't know. It's tough to decipher, and I feel like I waste way too much time in a day talking myself out of the negative, and I'm seeing **** in the dark again. I know it's not real, but it still creeps me out.

I just feel like crap and now I'm not even sure I want to post this thread, but it kind of helps to get it off my chest, I guess. Thanks, everyone, for bothering to read this nonsense. So many of you have it so much worse than me.