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My T made a comment at my session two weeks ago about how she’s never known me to not be depressed. I didn’t refute it at the time but just kind of dumbly nodded along. She was also saying how I am against medication and if exercise isn’t helping my anxiety, then I might just have to accept that I have treatment resilient depression. As I often do, I just went along with her words at the time and then processed it more during the week, after the session.
The truth is, during the four years I’ve been with her I haven’t always been totally depressed. I’ve even been off my antidepressants for a bit of time because I was feeling better last year. Last week I went in and told her this. I also told her that I’m not against medication; it’s just the trying new medications and tapering off old ones that I don’t like because of all the side effects. But in fact, I went to my pdoc and am in the process of tapering off one and starting a new one.
So I’m not really mad at T or anything – I guess I just feel like she is making assumptions and judgments about me and being so depressed that I can’t get better – ever. And then I start to think about it even more and wonder if she’s right. After all, she is the professional who’s been working with me for four years and she says she’s never known me to not be depressed. But then what is she supposed to be doing to help me with all this? Don’t you think after four years I should be feeling better? I start overthinking everything and wonder if it’s really that I’m treatment resilient or if it’s just the wrong T I’m working with. But then I can’t even imagine leaving her because of the attachment I have to her.
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