Someone very dear to me ended up in assisted living due to physical and mental health issues complicated by cognitive decline. One of the reasons she could no longer live at home was because she was so difficult. At one point, she almost brained me with her cane. I became afraid to turn my back on her and could no longer provide any assistance. It was very difficult.

I visited her and it was painful, we had nothing to talk about and it was just awkward. I stopped visiting for a while and then I decided to go, not for the pleasure of the visit or out of duty, but just to check to make sure she was being given proper care, to make sure she was clean and dressed and eating well. It was an excellent facility, but caregivers are very over-worked and under-paid. If they knew someone was receiving regular visits, they made an extra effort to fluff the hair, keep the breath fresh, the clothes nice and the room spotless and sweet smelling.

When I changed my attitude about the visits, I no longer dreaded them. I was going because she was a human being and every human being deserves good care and dignity right up until the end. I saw my role as helping to ensure that. I learned the caregivers' and the nurse's names and always said hello to them, talked to some of the other residents, just to say hello and pass a pleasantry or two, brought food and prunes for her bowels and Pond's cold cream. Toward the end, she didn't know who I was. She thought I was a caregiver and started smiling when she saw me. She'd been extremely negative for several years and it was nice to see a smile again.

I don't know if you can do that sort of thing with your dad. Basically, when I stopped trying to have a real relationship with her and just went in order to practice the Golden Rule with the hope that some day if I'm in the same situation, someone will remember to look in on me to make sure I'm being cared for. Just because we're all human beings.

Visits seldom lasted more than 15 minutes, although she would have liked me to stay all day (and complained at me the whole time.) If I was driving passed, I'd sometimes stop by more than once a day for just a few minutes because I wanted the staff to know I could drop in at any time.

Well ... it was heartbreaking, but here's the upshot ForeverGirl and what I'd hope for you ... when she passed away, I felt no guilt whatsoever. And no resentment either over the unpleasant things that happened. Long visits would have been beyond me, but 15 minutes was manageable for me. No matter how long or short the visits were, my loved one would have complained and criticized me so I just did what was best for me while sticking to the Golden Rule or Pay It Forward or whatever you want to call it.

Dealing with difficult elders is truly one of life's heartbreaks. I wish you the best as you negotiate this difficult road.