Sister,

Therapy, in my opinion, is such a fine line when dregging up this stuff. I was hosptilized about 5 times in a 2 year period going back about 16 years ago. I had suddenly had flashbacks about being sexually abused by my grandfather.

At the time I was going through it I could not seem to keep myself together - like I was just so depressed and there was nothing that I could do about it. It was hard to face all those issues and realize that it was because of those events that I had specific issues as an adult.

To be quite honest, I realized after a time that I was going in the hospital to run away and elude the problem. I could go there and not work, have someone cook for me, talk to other people, have the attention of counselors, and hide from the world. After the fifth hospitalization, I realized that the last few were really just this "hiding" that I was doing and it wasn't helping me. I didn't know what to do.

It's so hard for me to admit all of this because I kept telling myself that I was sick and that this was all happening TO me and there was nothing I could do - right? But in reality, I knew that I didn't want to try and I didn't want to get out of my hole, I just wanted to wallow in it a little longer.

I didn't know it when it was happening, or at least I didn't consciously face it. I finally realized that talking about it over and over and over again was only going to continue to make me miserable. Please don't get me wrong - it is a process that you must go through, but for ME I knew that I was reliving the process over and over again and I really didn't need to do that.

I finally got tired of being hospitalized. I decided that these horrible things happened to me and that they had a significant impact on my life, my personality, and where I was in my own head. But then I also realized that the only way that was going to change was if I did something. I wished and wished that a therapist would make it go away but it wasn't going to happen.

It took a longggg time with alot of backslides, but I finally got to the point where I wasn't "living" my illness anymore. It was part of me and would always be, but it was no longer going to take over my every waking hour.

I still go to therapy once a month for a "tune up". I will probably always have a propensity for falling into a depression and have trouble digging out. I complained recently to my T "is it ever going to end, is it always going to be like this?". She said "you know how it is for you. you go into these periods where you can't get out of your depression and fall into a little bit of self-pity, but then you move on and things get better again".

It was so hard for me to hear that because I really hate the words "self-pity", but she was right. I have been in this mode since february and am finally starting to come out of it again.

Will it happen again? Probably, but at least I know what it is and it is not all of me, just part of me.

I hope no one is offended by any of this. I've never openly admitted any of this and it's hard for me to do so, but I think I need to so that it's not such a powerful thought in my brain.

Tranquility