Hello, thank you all for the replies.
I was over anxious, over tired, over stressed, could not focus, could not think straight, my emotions where taking over me. I felt that it was just too much for me...I was really discouraged about many many issues that are stressfull right now for me, job, mom's cancer, the responsibilities, the bills, my parter (I'm going nuts, really a pain in the ***) fear of loosing it all, fear of loosing my mind, my sanity, fear of myself, fear of being abandoned because I also have issues with that...went for 3 smokes went home, cried and cried went to bed and prayed...something I don't do to often outlaid before bed.

I have a mental illness and must take care of myself, I need stability and support. I'm probably into premenaupause, am in my 7th week of not smoking...(but I did a few time cause I was going nuts) and I'm dealing with the fact that my aging mother has cancer and sometimes she does not accept or understand her limits or mine. I've always felt somehow abandoned by her..and now..I guess this is all hard...I' afraid my partner will leave me because our relationship has changed for many reasons..my crisis, my illness, afraid to loose my job because (I kept making mistakes) I can't really relax, rest..I've always got to do something or really do the stability things...sleep, eat, etc. etc...so that's it..That day the past few weeks have been very very hard and I thought of many many things..Help came around, I hope I can manage to stay calm but mostly to remember to use the meds I have to help me for that at the right time and still be able to focus at what needs to be done.

thank you..now its bed time for me take care