Yes, have not seen you very active, good to hear from you with an update.
It is good that you have been busy, that really helps when someone has ADHD, they tend to do much better " in motion" then having too much time to sit with their own thoughts.

I personally think that it is better to put the NPD on the shelf as to not feed into being too self critical. Instead, it is better to focus on learning better skills to help yourself curb whatever negative you present in "self protection". I think the anxiety is built up in you because you are unknowingly stuck in "defensive" mode and I think what would help you is to slowly learn ways to use that wit differently, you are certainly smart enough.

Here is how I know you are very "smart", you were willing to admit you have challenges and that you want to do better. I genuinely believe that if you can soften with the right therapist, you can finally get what you had needed so long ago and find a lot of inner strength from that process. Not only that but, you can raise your own son (or children) the way "you" should have been raised. You can be there "for" him (or them) and give him (or them) permission to "be himself/themselves" verses having to be something for others where he/they will never find true "self fulfillment" but instead end up possibly feeling unappreciated and resentful because of that.

If I could help to change anything about my husband, it would be that he really learn that how he treated me would be what my daughter would accept in how a man would treat her. I have seen my daughter attracted to the same kind of guy my husband was/is (actually even worse tbh) and I have seen her struggle just like I did, and even worse, blame herself for it too. Yeah, if mom can fix broken dad then I should be able to do the same, WRONG, it doesn't work that way.

It can be the other way too, a son can learn how to be too much like dad and in so doing do the same toxic things towards "his" wife or girlfriends. It's the way a child learns how to behave in a relationship, they notoriously imprint, it's how we are designed that can become a problem handed down from one generation to the next unknowingly.

Keep in mind, human beings "learn" by doing and with children it is watching and thinking "this is how parents treat each other and it's just normal".

I would say, as one drives up to their home, stop in front of that door and say to self, "this is MY family, this is MY home and how do I want the people in MY family to behave/feel where they learn how to be a healthy family, what can "I" do in MY home that is "healthy" for MY family?".

When DAD walks in the door, how does his family respond? Do they learn to run for cover, or do they learn that a friendly caring presence is "home". Now, "if" they are in some way "running for cover or on the defensive", it can take time to change that response, and keep stopping at that door and commiting to affecting a "positive change".

See, you could not do that as a child, but you "can" do that as an adult.

Some food for thought.