I have been and am where you are. I told my T. for months that I didn't want her to matter, I didn't want to care, didn't want to be close, etc. I figured out that when I would let my defenses down with my mom and "be close", I would get hurt. So, I kept waiting for my T. to hurt me, judge me, abandon me, etc. But, it took a long time to recognize that was the issue.

I have told my T. a lot more but 10 months later she's still reminding me that she's not my mom, won't judge me, abandon me, etc. I find that I just keep giving her little pieces to see how she'll react. When her reaction is "normal" then I feel comfortable giving her more.

My T. has also said that her side of the wall looks just like mine. About 6 weeks ago I told her that I loved her and it was painful. I don't even tell my friends this. Now, I'm back to my defenses thinking "why did I tell her that".

I guess you need to see what in your past keeps you from accepting the closeness. Could you not express your feelings to your father? The T and client relationship can be intimate depending on what issues you're discussing. I used to just problem solve and didn't feel one thing for her. Now that we're dealing with the death of my emotionally distant mother, all sorts of feelings have emerged. I definitely think too much and don't let my emotions go. My T. asked me to stop reading and start feeling. I'm still working on it.