Thanks Mary Alice, Angela and Susan. I got triggered very badly on a different area of the forum. I am doing what I can to control my reactions to the trigger but it is so hard. I want to leave and never come back but I know that is just a part of me throwing a fit. I can't throw a fit, I can't be honest about my feelings because some people can't understand the intensity of feelings that pulse through someone with BPD. They don't understand that saying I want to leave and never come back is a product of those feelings. It is thought to be grandstanding and manipulating. But here I know you will understand because those who are here experience those intense feelings. If you didn't you wouldn't injure yourself.

So I am trying to stay calm, to talk in moderate tones...type in moderate tones that is but it is such a lie. I want to stomp my feet, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want someone to hear me and not think of me as just a cry baby trying to get attention. Sometimes I am so sick of trying to keep this facade up. Because they are right. I am a liar but the only reason I lie is so that they won't say awful things about me, so that they won't talk behind my back and say how crazy I am. So they will like me. I lie to protect myself. I pretend that I am in control so that I won't be abandoned and left alone. But inside I am tearing apart, my grasp on reality is tenuous. I so want to be totally truthfull about my feelings but I know what happens to people who are truthful. I have seen the hate, the anger, the disrespect. We are abhored. We are thought of as slime. We are turned into the liars they claim we are by our effort to make them happy, to stay below their radar. Sorry for rambling. I don't know what else to do. Sigh.
Carrie <font color="blue">