I just don't know what to do. How do you let go of something that's always in your head, has become part of you? A lot of the people I know now must think I've always been like this. But it's not good. How is it you can walk in a room and feel like everyone knows what you're thinking and laughing at you?

And if I try to explain what's caused all this guilt, no one gets it. A few episodes of cheating and being cheated on between 2004-2006 inclusive, and then I'll explain that I've apologised, been apologised to, been forgiven and forgiven the other people involved... but I can't forgive myself for what I've done. They tell me not to think about it, to push it away whenever it comes to mind. Look how well that's worked!!

I feel like I don't deserve any of this life I have now.

I deserve this depression, since it's the only way I can ever make up for what I've done. And in a way I welcome it, when the world goes all gray, because I know that I'm paying back the debt I owe. And so it's not going away, but instead of me fighting the depression, it's turning into me fighting myself. I want to change my name and run away, and thoughts of self-injury (tho not suicide) are never far away these days. The only thing stopping me is that's just going to make me feel more guilty about putting my friends through that.

Damnit, am I crazy or is this just the depression talking?