Simple as that.

Some days i think i'm okay with not being close with my family. Some days i actually love being away from them. But its one nights like this that i get thinking, and i get the notion in my head that i would love for someone to just come and sit and talk with me. Just talk about how i'm feeling, how their feeling ... just talk about something meaningful. Share that simple passing of information, share that knowledge that they care about each other.

I want that. I want to know i'm cared for. I mean i guess i know i have people that care about me ... but i feel as though they only do because they "have to". And even if it was true, i have a hard time believing it ... or feeling it i guess would describe it better. I guess that fits it more accurately. I dont feel it. I dont feel any sort of connection with them. They are acquaintences. People that i call out of obligation so i'm not a horrible daughter.

I want to feel the love that i felt with my housemaster. We shared something. It was the first true sense of love that i can say that i experienced both ways. Saw in her eyes .. felt in my heart. But now its empty and she's not there, and neither are my real parents.

Im just alone. In every sense of the word. I feel sick.

I am lucky to have the best friend in the world who cares about me ... but she's gone for two weeks and i actually am by myself. For the first time.

STOP CRYING. I can't. The sad thing is, i can't picture things ever being right with my family. And its my fault. I dont feel a connection, and when i think about the possibility i feel so very uncomfortable. Its just the idea that i need ... i need what i had with my housemaster. I need that love that is missing. That love that makes me feel real. Without it ... im just empty.






I'm sorry. I haven't even been around much, i dont deserve any responses. I'm sorry for the rant.