Sorry if I'm becoming a nuisance or a "broken record".

I'm dangling by a rope that has unraveled and only have a thread left. I'm not doing well.

I know I'm in a depressive state. I know it should be over in about a week. But while in it, it feels like quicksand sucking me under. T says to basically "fake it till you make it", that my actions will affect my thoughts which will affect my feelings. It takes so much freaking effort to do that. I know what she says is right, but saying it is much easier than doing it. She wants me to challenge all my thoughts. I told her that when I do that, it feels like I'm lying to myself.

My T was in challenge mode today, and I didn't like it. Oddly enough, she started the session by saying how proud she is of me for meeting all my short term goals. I never knew I had short term goals? So my goals were to be stable on my meds, manage my Ativan, and seek support from within the community. I don't know, that doesn't seem like that is much of an accomplishment for me.

She kept saying over and over again that I need to practice my coping skills. I have no energy to get out of bed or take a shower unless I have to. I have tons of things to do around the house, tons of coping skills, but I have no energy. She told me to do just one thing to accomplish everyday (i.e. showing up to therapy, going to dinner with my mom, cleaning a bathroom mirror, etc.) It sounds so pathetic. These are thing I should be able to do no problem. I feel like such a failure. How can she be proud of this?

At the end of session, she triggered my fear of abandonment. I asked her if she could do a phone or email check in later this week. She said her schedule is so full that she doesn't have time. No one has time for me. Pdoc didn't have time to see my one more time before her leave, primary doesn't have time, DBT facilitator doesn't have time, T doesn't have time, mom doesn't have time due to work, fiance doesn't have time due to work and school, and fiance's family thinks I should get over it. Funny, when my T asked my how do I know I have worth, I answered because people need me. She said that was an awesome answer. But why is it when people need me, I am there, but when I need people, they don't have time. Why is 5-10mins too much time? Is that really a high expectation?

So challenging my thoughts:
*I'm alone -- I have people all around me.
*I have no emotional support -- T supports me once a week for 50mins, mom has dinner w/ me once a week, my older sister invites me to her parties, my fiance spends time with me
*My T doesn't care -- she worries about me, sees me every week, gibes me hugs
* Everyone has abandoned me -- everyone is still in my life just at a diminished capacity
*I'm worthless -- people need me

Hmm, yeah, not helpful right now. Why? Because I really need support right now and everyone has pushed me away (maybe for practical reasons, but still...) And I'm not to a point where I can find that support within myself.

Well, my T was worried about me when I left session and called my fiance. My fiance called me. I told him I was depressed, T is worried, I'm upset and don't want to talk about it, plus I was driving. So he starts calling me over and over again. He calls my mom, his mom, and my T to try to get me to pick up the phone. So everyone is freaking out and I just want to be left in peace. I needed time to calm down and I couldn't take Ativan because I was driving, so I turned off my phone so I would be safe. That is not helpful. His grandma comes over to the house and asks what's wrong. I tell her I'm having a bad day. She told me to get over it!

My T wants me to go to the hospital, but I don't want to. They won't do anything anyways. I seem way too "put together" and they won't consider me severe enough to admit me. And the only other thing they would do is give me Ativan. Well, I already have that.

I feel so trapped within myself. No matter which way I move, I'm going the wrong way. So I want to just stop and drown.