ok, so I'm going through some issues hating my job and not valuing myself and always worrying about what people think and always trying to please people and really just not enjoying things too much.
so it was a particularly stressful day with a lot of people needing to be pleased at work and dogs needing to be walked and fed,etc etc and she came home with some packages from the grocery store and I was digging around and said I was looking for something to eat because I was stressed. she asked why so I said just another crappy day in a crappy life.
her immediate reaction is to take offense to to that - I understand why she might if she and our family were actually the problem - but she knows better and she knows my struggles and she knows my family is a bright spot in my life. in fact, I live for them. I find no compelling reason to grow old for my own sake except for them - if that makes any sense.
this has come up before where I cannot express my feelings because they become about her and I'm bad for having such feelings.
this has been discussed in therapy as well.
my feeling is that she is no respite to me - but should she be - should I have that expectation?
am I just saying those things to get a little validation and positive feedback knowing that I won't?
i don't have anyone to discuss such things with - I really talk to no one outside of work and I was in therapy for almost two years and we spent a lot of time talking about how I need to love myself and feel important and even in one of our last sessions my therapist (who also was a nun!) said to me "why are you always sh***ting on yourself?"
that's another problem - we ended therapy on good terms with me supposedly having the tools to cope but I can't help thinking that she gave up on me.
anyway, back to the problem at hand. what should I expect? is it reasonable for me to expect some positive caring feedback or is that just feeding into the "oh, poor me" attitude.
I believe one of the directions that therapy was heading (and it was couples therapy for a few weeks until my wife said she wasn't going back) was that my wife was doing a lot of damage to me but I would not leave or kick her out - and that's one of the reasons the therapist gave up on me. or maybe I'm just imaging that.
I know to reframe negative thinking. I know that I cannot please everyone. I know that I cannot worry about what people think of me. I know I don't have to be perfect and all things to all people. I know I have to take care of myself and put myself first and value myself. Its rough.
I'm just rambling at this point.