I'm not sure what it feels like to be loved or have someone treat me like I'm a person. So I don't know how to handle emotionally when someone cares. I get scared fearing they leave like the others. I used to push them away now. I don't do anything. I just let the pain consume me run its course then I'm acting like nothing happened. Deep down I want to die. This constant crap of this has made me hate my body over years of this then causing me to do starvation. It's on the verge of being a health risk of being anorexia. I'm only worried about losing weight because of this issue I'm forced in. Despite me telling you how I feel you don't know what it's like. Feeling all you do isn't worth anything but being your own best friend just to make it day by day. Deep down I want this artificial **** to due and someone loves me for me. Like I like intelligent girls, but people make mistakes people aren't perfect I call them stupid for being hateful that people aren't like them. It's ignorant and it's caused alot if the suffering in my neck of the states.
I stopped crying alot when someone is saddened by me which I've seen it. People feel a little bit of what I go through and are balling like crazy for hours even.
It shows how dissociated my struggles are from everyone else.
It puts to light why prisoners, homeless or people who suffer anything people don't understand outside the realm of everyone's simple first world issues are always misunderstood and mistreated often.
I'm one of those poor people, but I fight so hard to get out of here. Many days I hope my body gets a heart attack so I can have peace of something. I work all the time, the people who did cry from feeling what I go through try to be here for me and all I feel is nothing and it hurts the most later how I regret not able to show emotion from being so badly messed up.

See I'm not getting married. I want to date someone who respects me and ill respect them I just got to get passed that superficial barrier or class barrier. Most if the time I don't bother because knowing what happens. So i wanted to say I'm hurting alot now. My body aches from a nuero condition that will put me in a wheel chair and most people rather pity then be helpful or compassionate.

I really developed this hatred from the everyday indifference i receive. Rather i feel love is just some silly dream and wishing something will get better. I like taking action and doing it's helped me alot but alot of girls don't like it from me i guess.
So I feel I'm ugly or not worth anything after many years of it slowly eating away at you. I've been determined to lose as much weight and look muscular and appear healthy, but that's all people want what they can use not what they will gain or appreciate.
Rather I hate people. They want heroin, molly, coke or whatever to have fun. People here don't care about you me or themselves. This maybe untrue I hope but god I need someone to expose to me otherwise.

I feel like drinking now and I don't drink but god I want to.