Ik you're right. It's hard to get on a focused track when you're not sure they are right it you are right how I am handling this.

For my experience the people I ended up dating told me how ****** of a person I am if I don't give them what they want. It wasn't fun it was very abusive and my life was filled with me trusting someone and I got raped, beaten, cheated on lied to or hurt in general like every relationship. I figured it's normal people choose to hurt me and call me crap. So I don't know what to expect when its not the case. I do have confidence and looks to my friends but my current issues that seem to have no end scare away or cause me to like someone blindly after knowing them for along time they use me. They aren't clear how they want our relationship to be. I don't some of these girls are my friends potential lovers or people who want to hurt me or don't care about me. I never know these things till afterwards.

I have a rare medical disorder my muscles lock up and contract without my control. I'm damn afraid of being in a wheel chair from this. Or choking from my internal organs failing from this.
Rather it's felt things got so bleak I have little to offer, so I used to believe my legitimacy and the little things what I do could make something happen rather I get overlooked and ignored everytime.

I'm not going to be their perfect version of a bf to anyone. So why try, just live your life and die. That's all I've been doing. I'm working so hard to make anything happen if I died now it would feel I did something for me at least because I did what I believed in for me. I never live for someone else deep down I just don't have many friends I trust or people. I trust like barely two people. Its enough for me.